I’m trying to stay away from providing too many personal details on this site, but let’s just say my life before fatherhood was good. I was really, really content. After struggling for several years in office jobs trying to figure out my path, an opportunity to have a career that focused on one of my passions was presented to me. It was kind of sketchy and scary at first, but after a while I realized I could do this as a career, from home, with a flexible schedule. It was/is still a lot of work, but I found that I get so much more work done when I’m motivated to do it, and I quickly excelled in this position. I don’t make a ton of money, but who cares as long as it’s enough and you love what you’re doing, right?

Around the same time that I realized that I could survive on this career alone, I met my wife. I was starting to think it was never going to happen, but I met this fantastic girl who loves me regardless of all weird idiosyncrasies and lets me essentially “be me” in every way possible. While we obviously love being with each other, we also really value our private time. So, she would let me go partake in my passions and come back home with no hints of “Where have you been??!!” She had her own life, too, and I had no problem letting her go do her own thing while I was home alone doing mine. I felt very secure in our relationship and she felt the same way. There was never any jealously or worry that she was out hooking up with other dudes or vice versa. There was just great love and trust and understanding.

So, how awesome does that sound? I had a job doing what I wanted to do, and could do it when and how I wanted to do it. Tons of free time and flexibility. A beautiful wife how loves me unconditionally and lets me do my own thing. Both making decent money. What else is there? Answer: a kid.

Now, if you continue reading this website it will become abundantly clear that I LOVE KIDS. All kids. But loving kids and wanting to be a parent are two very different things. I could have easily had a great career as The Fun Uncle and never had any kids of my own. I knew I if were to eventually be a father, I was going into it with my all. It wasn’t a prospect I took lightly. I was never the guy that thinks, “Derrrrrr, I’m married in my 30’s; guess it’s time to have a kid!” I wasn’t going to do it because that’s what you were supposed to do. If we decided to have a kid, I was going to put my full energy into this and try to be as ready as possible (btw, to expectant fathers, there is no such thing as “ready”). So, I think that’s one of the reasons we didn’t force it. I knew that it was going to change my life forever, so I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to go down that path. But it eventually came to the point where we said “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to have to start trying now.”

So, we committed to “trying”. Every parent knows what trying means. It’s essentially like having sex for business instead of pleasure. It’s very odd to suddenly being having sex with a purpose and taking extra measures so that your passionate times lead to the creation an organism. It’s very odd when you think about it. Prior to trying to have a child, I never went into it like, “Ooooh, if I kiss her a certain way, maybe a rose bush will grow out of her head…” you know? We just made out because we loved each other and it felt good. But the whole focus of sex changes when you’re trying. It’s also very odd that after having sex your wife does things like sitting with her hips up for 10 minutes so that all the little sperm had the best chance of cracking that egg. “Ahh, that was great honey; time to put two pillows under your butt!” Yep, super romantic.

But we had begun down that road, and much to my surprise, after only about 5 or 6 months, her period was late. So we got one of those home pregnancy tests. Now, this sounds stupid, because they tend to make light of it in the movies, but we had one of those full on, “Is it positive or negative – I can’t tell!!!!” moments. I mean, those little strips are seriously hard to read and the lines can be really faint and obscure. I wish they would have had a pregnancy test that had two boxes, “YES” or “NO”, and they lit up in bright, clear letters. All these faint lines and stuff – why do you make this so hard?? Anyway, we were in limbo for a bit, but after a little bit of research, we determined that we were in fact pregnant. And…I…FREAKED…OUT.

I was actually quite stunned that I had these feelings, but they were so strong that I couldn’t hide them to my wife. I mean, technically we were “trying”, so I should have been happy, right? But immediately I began to focus on what I was going to have to give up, and I was terrified at monumental responsibilities that I was now facing. I actually began discussing, out loud, to my happy, now-pregnant wife that wasn’t sure this was a good idea. My poor wife; she was so great. She would listen with great focus and hear me out and give me rational replies and feedback about my concerns. But as soon as I’d calm down a bit, I could see her struggling to hold back that smile. She was clearly happy and could not hide it. This was essentially best time for us to have a kid, and backing out of that was never really an option. So, I was terrified. Anyone who knows me now as a dad would have trouble believing that, but I…WAS…TERRIFIED.

Now, I wish it would have been like in the movies where I saw the first sonogram and my eyes got misty and suddenly everything was different. For me, it was more a matter of, “Oh sh*t, this is real…” But what really got my through it was my love for my wife. I was a bit scared of her being pregnant at first because she can have a pretty hot temper. She kicked a hole in the wall one time because I was frustrating her, over something minor. I feared I was a going to have a little pregnant chupacabra biting my head off for the next 9 months. But pregnancy actually mellowed her out quite a bit. She really settled into it and flat out enjoyed being pregnant. She was super lighthearted and funny about the whole thing. There were so many hysterical times. Like, my wife is a pretty petite woman, but she wasn’t one of those girls who you couldn’t tell was pregnant. She ended up being one of these otherwise small women except with a giant barrel growing off her stomach. She bulged. She was a keg with legs. So, one day, out of nowhere, she declares, “Ok, I need to exercise!!” She didn’t really exercise before being pregnant, so I had no idea what she had in mind, but I’m like, “Ok, this will be interesting.” She so sort of centers herself on the living room carpet, and then…I don’t know. It was like if R2D2 decided he wanted to get down on the ground and do crunches. She was looking around, sort of surveying the scene, plotting her best strategy to get to the floor, when suddenly, “WHUMP!” She just sort of collapsed there. One millisecond into it you knew there would be no exercising. I think all she said was, “Well, that’s not going to work!” I helped my little fatty up and we just chilled out and watch TV.

So, I really enjoyed being a partner to her and helping her get through and enjoy the process. She also has high blood pressure, so she was on bedrest for the last trimester. It was very gratifying to me to be a helpful husband to her. The woman has the hard part physically, but as a husband there are definitely ways you can contribute and make their lives so much better. My fears about being a dad and how it was going to negatively affect my life were still strong, but focusing on being the best hubby I could be definitely helped take the focus off that.

When it came to the actual birth my wife had a few complications, so my wife ended up having to have a C-Section. I won’t go into the details of what it’s like seeing your child for the first time, but suffice it to say: “WHOA!!” Because it was a C-Section, I actually got to see our son before she did, and THAT was when it all kicked it. He came out with that same look he makes today when he doesn’t understand what’s going on, and all I could say to my wife, and everyone in the room, was, “HE’S AWESOME!!!” That was the moment I knew that everything, all the sacrifice and hard work, was going to be worth it.

Now, I want to make something clear: you WILL have to make sacrifices. It WILL be hard work. There WILL be many, many times that you say out loud, “I don’t know what the f*ck to do!!”. But once that little sucker comes out, it all becomes worth it. That was the time for me, anyway. I’m sure it comes sooner or later for others, but eventually you’ll have that moment when you realize that what you GAIN by being a dad far outweighs anything you have to give up.

Most of what you gain intangible and hard to describe, but it comes down to one thing: LOVE. You will be awestruck by your capacity to love your child. It’s never ending and ever growing. You think you love your life partner, right? Just wait until you have a kid. Unless you are a sociopath or something, you’ll be baffled at your ability to love anything as much as you love your kid. My wife and I have actually said out loud to ourselves stuff like, “Honey, you’re great and I love you, but I love this little bugger more.”

I struggle for the words to describe it. You often hear things like, “You can’t describe what it’s like to someone who isn’t a parent”, but that’s pretty much it right there. I have had had friends who are about to have kids, and I tell them things like, “Dude, just wait. You’re going to love that little thing so much it will blow your mind.” And then the give me the courtesy nod, like, “Yeah, man, I get it. It’s going to be awesome.” No, dude, you don’t get it. Before having a kid, your mind is not capable of imagining the kind of love you have towards your kid. Your brain simply hasn’t gone anywhere close to that kind of love yet, so it can’t give you an accurate picture of what it’s like. I have literally said to my wife, out loud, many times, “Oh my god, I can’t believe I love him MORE again today!!” It’s like your heart wants to burst because you know what to do with all the emotion.

Of course, the nature of that love changes over time. But, for me anyway, it continues to grow and never gets less rewarding. At first, you’re just staring at this helpless little drooling alien thing that can’t even hold its head up, and you just want to shout, “I LOVE YOU!!!!!” I mean, really, that’s kind of weird, you know? Who should really love something that’s essentially an 8-pound amoeba? It doesn’t really do anything except exist, right. But you will look at the little blob and just want to squeeze it (please don’t!) and shout, “RRRRRRR, I love youuuuuuu!!!!” Then as time goes on, you appreciate every level of their development. There will be days when you wake up with your child, look into his or her eyes, and see a level of clarity that is far beyond what you saw the night before. It’s like they matured a month is 12 hours. When your child takes her first step or climbs his first tree or spells her first word, you just want to shout, “Urrrrrr, you’re f*cking AWESOME!!!”

Now, of course, this is not a straight line path without bumps along the road. There will be times when your emotions are all over the place, you’ll be sleep deprived, and you think you’re losing it. I’ll save you the time and money on a “dad’s class” and tell you this is actually normal. Don’t beat yourself up if The 5 S’s aren’t working and you can’t get your baby to stop crying and you want to punt it like a football, and then two seconds later think, “Oh my god, I’m such a horrible person for having these thoughts!!! I love you, I love you, I love you!!” This is very, very hard work, and your body and mind will be challenged to constantly be there to take care of a helpless being while maintaining a positive attitude. Sometimes this is just not possible. You WILL have negative thoughts. You WILL want to give up. But you won’t, because you friggin’ love that little kid. And when you do get through it, and have a chance to step back on it, you’ll realize you are doing the most meaningful thing one can do in life. I’m not a particularly spiritual person, but I believe there is no yin without a yang, and to get this kind of reward you’re going to have to struggle with some very difficult times. But that reward is so, so worth it.

So, yeah, I don’t have the same kind of flexibility in the life that I used to. My wife and I aren’t rock stars in the bedroom like we used to be. We can’t just go play whenever we want. I have fear on a daily basis about how I’m going to provide for my family in the future. EVERY SINGLE DECISION OR ACTION I TAKE in my life seems to filter the lens of “How Will This Affect My Kid”. So do I ever regret the decision we made to become parents? Not for a friggin’ second. My life is way harder, yet way, way, way better than it ever was before having a kid. I only hope that some dads out there feel as fortunate as I do. So, don’t focus on the obstacles and sacrifices that come with being a parent. Just look into that little bugger’s eye and realize, “I friggin’ made that thing!”, and you’re continuing to shape his or her future. So, enjoy the ride and be a happy dad!